The 83-foot wonder

I think I’m on to something big. Something very, very big.

According to today’s experts, breast milk is the best thing for a baby. Yesterday’s experts, of course, endorsed protein and all-night crying sessions, so parenting advice is still goes best with a grain of salt. But since we’ve got a few millennia under our collective belts using mother’s milk as our main diet, I tend to side with the current baby-raising braintrust.

And now, I’ve got numbers to back me up.

The early results are in, and Carter is officially off the growth charts. We went in for his two-week checkup, officially his first although we’ve taken him in a couple times in the interim already. As of 1:27 p.m. Eastern Standard Time today, Carter had jumped to 23.75 inches in length and a whopping 9 pounds, 4 ounces. That’s up more than 2 inches and two pounds in just two weeks.

I suppose I shouldn’t get too excited considering the data sampling is fairly meager, but this is astounding. Carter wore his Valentine’s Day jammies this evening and nearly burst through the legs and footies as I watched. We’ve had him for 15 days … how could he be too big for anything? If the little boy — and maybe I’ll soon have to stop calling him that — keeps this up, he’ll be the Amazing Colossal Man.

Could this be the next stage of evolution at work? While I’m pleased Amy, Carter and myself are potentially contributing to the giantization of our species, I’m already lamenting the loss of a traditional childhood. Why, just yesterday Carter sat in my lap as we read a great Washington Post article (reprinted in the Bloomington Herald-Times) about Coach Bob Knight. At .15 inches of growth per day, I should run out of lap room by my May 15th birthday.

At six months, Carter projects to 4 feet. By this time next year, he’ll be a power forward for the Chicago Bulls. (Of course, he’ll be a Shawn Bradley clone. At 1.44 ounces per day, Carter will be a 6-foot rail weighing a mere 40 pounds. Son will be entering first grade before he overtakes Dad on the scales but already over 10-feet tall.)

Since breast milk is Carter’s only nutrition right now, I can only hypothesize that it is the catalyst behind his miracle growth spurt. Amy and I don’t have any specific time-table on weaning the little giant, but sometime between 6-18 months is customary in this country. Other places in the world go as late as 3-6 years. We’ll probably fall someplace in between, especially if mama’s secret formula allows Carter to escape his 5′-9″ destiny.

I don’t want to push Carter into anything he doesn’t want to do. But I will advise him, on his 18th birthday, that he could probably get some pretty good scholarship offers from major colleges as an 83-foot, 605-pound center.

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